Redefining Trauma & Healing
By: Alexandra de Waal, PsyD
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.”
-Leonard Cohen
The word trauma has been an evolving term, but more so recently, it has expanded and transformed. Historically, it was defined as a person having endured a single catastrophic event, such as a natural disaster, combat, abuse, or any other event that threatens the person’s life. In fact, the term wasn’t recognized until the 1980’s, as a way to satisfy advocacy groups supporting veterans. This led to constructing the psychiatric diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which categorized trauma and allowed for more accessible opportunities to treatment. Over the course of time, we have come to realize that an individual does not have to experience an overtly distressing event, also known as big ‘T’ trauma, for it to impact them. A combination of smaller or less pronounced events can still be traumatic, but in the small ‘t’ form.
Small ‘t’ traumas are experiences or events that exceed our capacity to cope and cause a disruption in emotional functioning. It involves exposure to multiple, often interrelated forms of traumatic experiences as well as the difficulties that arise, as a result of adapting to, or surviving these experiences. It takes many contributing factors into account, such as interpersonal difficulties, maladaptive behaviors, and disruptions in identity or self-image. These distressing experiences are more insidious and chronic, making it difficult to consider as impactful.
In practice, I oftentimes hear people minimize significant, small ‘t’ events that they experienced as children. Quick dismissals of significant events are oftentimes the exact moments when deeper processing can be of utmost importance. I have found that identifying a trauma as a small ‘t’ from big ‘T’ leads to a greater willingness to share an experience or allow a person to acknowledge that the series of events were actually more impactful than they perceived it to be. Why is this? Must we endure big ‘T’ traumas to feel worthy of acknowledging and validating painful experiences?
We limit our understanding of trauma when we define it solely as a particular type of event or experience. Trauma is not something that happens to us, but rather, it is what happens inside of us as a result of what happened to us (Maté, G., & Maté, D, 2022). Two people can endure the same event yet have very different responses to it. This depends on predispositions or sensitivity, and we all vary on levels of sensitivity. In fact, the word “sensitive” comes from the Latin root sensitivo or to feel. In that case, the more we feel the more we may be affected or have a need to escape, which can often manifest in avoidance mechanisms.
Any level of trauma has the possibility of impacting the way we perceive the world or maintain relationships in adulthood. A trauma occurring during a specific developmental stage may cause a person to regress or feel stunted in the age during which the trauma occurred. In parenting, a caregiver may become triggered by their child due to their own childhood trauma. With therapy, this can be worked through by means of identifying a specific impactful event or series of events and acknowledging and working through the feelings associated with the trauma.
Let’s consider the hypothetical example of an individual in therapy discussing a difficult argument they had with their partner. The individual explains that they felt enraged and shut down after their partner, of 15 years, canceled their dinner date. Although their partner had justifiable reasons for canceling, the client responded with the silent treatment after coming home from work that day. In exploring further in therapy, the client came to realize that the emotion felt in that exact moment of being canceled upon was rejection and abandonment. This strong reaction and the associated emotions were familiar and very similar to the feelings felt as a child during their parents’ difficult divorce. Although many people experience divorce during their childhood, not every divorce is the same and not everyone experiences it similarly. Through therapy, the client is able to process the difficulty of the divorce and identify feelings of abandonment or unworthiness. The client was able to recognize the ways in which they were unable to express their feelings as a child, and therefore would shut down and remain silent towards their caregivers. This was the same response they reenacted towards their current partner. Recognizing and working through this trauma, allowed for better communication within the relationship and a stronger, more healthy attachment.
In a similar vein, let’s consider how working through small ‘t’ trauma can positively impact a parent child relationship. It is quite common that a parent’s trauma can be triggered by experiences with their child. Important developmental stages are rooted by a child’s ability to regulate emotions early in life. This can be a bidirectional process that is shared between caregiver and infant. Mutual emotion regulation between caregiver and child can be disrupted when a caregiver has endured past trauma or has unresolved grief. If a child has limited developmental capacity to regulate frustration, rage, or helplessness it can trigger the caregiver’s pre-existing trauma. A child’s big emotions, for example, can remind a caregiver of intense out of control experiences or elicit their own fear and feelings of helplessness. In this case, the caregiver may shift their attention to self-preservation and remove themselves from the child’s cues that scream in need of comfort and protection. This increase in distress and helplessness amplifies the caregiver’s defenses against helplessness, which further evoke emotional and physical distance from their child.
In this example, therapy can allow the space for a caregiver to identify ways they become activated and gain more awareness into what is happening to them in stressful childrearing events. Acknowledging their own trauma can be reparative and allow more space for the child to have their own emotional experiences. This exploration and process of working through may allow for self-compassion, helping them be more present with themselves and in turn, be more present with their child. Developing and increasing self-compassion can help a person move away from shame and self-loathing. A parents’ tendency towards guilt can shift to pride in knowing that the best thing they can do for their child is work on the self.
As we can see, trauma is not limited to a single catastrophic event that happened to us, but can also be a number of smaller, less pronounced events. Furthermore, trauma is what happens inside of us and what we continue to carry along the way. The weight may become lighter with gained awareness and the willingness to acknowledge it. For more insights into trauma and the ways in which the term is expanding, I recommend the book- The myth of normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture. This book was written by a father, Dr. Gabor Mate and his son, Daniel Mate. In the link below they share their story, and the ways in which the father’s own childhood trauma impacted his ability to be a father. They come together to explain how having gained awareness and doing the work can create a stronger and most profound father-son relationship in adulthood.
References
Maté, G., & Maté, D. (2022). The myth of normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House.
