"Your Brain is Wonderful!": How to Explain Neurodiversity to Kids So They Feel Proud

By: Ida Piker, PsyD

Many neurodivergent kids notice that they are different from their peers. They might move, feel, think, or learn differently. While parents often strive to boost their children's confidence by downplaying these differences, this can actually have the opposite effect. When parents avoid discussing these differences, kids may fill in those gaps on their own and think there's something wrong with them, leading to feelings of shame and self-blame. This post will provide parents with tools to help foster pride in their children.

What is Neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity refers to the concept that each person's brain functions uniquely and distinctly. Everyone’s brain naturally functions, processes information, and engages with the world in different ways. Some individuals may quickly recognize patterns, while others may have an excellent memory for sounds. Each person has their own distinct strengths and challenges. 

There are many kinds of neurodivergence, including, but not limited to, autism, dyslexia, ADHD, and Tourette's. Autistic people tend to process communication, emotions, and sensory input distinctly from an allistic person. Allistic is a neutral term for someone who is not on the autism spectrum. Allistic people may also have a form of neurodivergence, such as ADHD, or they may be neurotypical, someone without an identified form of neurodivergence. Being neurodivergent is not a deficiency. It means that your brain functions differently from that of the average person, and that is something to be celebrated. For example, while every autistic person is unique, many autistic people share strengths such as creativity, deep focus, strong pattern recognition, and honest communication. They may also face challenges, often due to societal misunderstanding or accessibility, rather than their neurodivergence.  

Parents often worry that labeling their children might make them feel like there is something wrong with them. But for many kids, these labels can be empowering. They help kids understand aspects of themselves that they have already noticed and can provide them with the tools to advocate for their needs. Since kids often see their differences, knowing the "why" behind it can feel reassuring and comforting. Helping your child understand their brain better will enable them to create effective strategies, express their emotions, build advocacy skills, and boost their confidence. 

When to Talk About Neurodiversity With Your Child

Introducing the idea that all brains are different can be helpful for all children, regardless of diagnosis, and can be explained in a kid-friendly way. Just as people have different heights, hair colors, and favorite foods, brains are also diverse. While some people are incredible at remembering people’s names and stories, others are great at solving puzzles. Some people love loud noises, while other people find them really difficult. Normalizing to your child that every person can find some things challenging and other things easy can be very validating. 

Modeling curiosity in a non-judgmental way can be especially helpful. For instance, while listening to a story at the library, you might share observations with your child by saying, “Did you notice that some of these kids feel better when they move a lot?” or “Some kids like sitting quietly to feel comfortable.” Another way to discuss how every brain is different is by using children’s books or TV to point out ways that characters think differently. You could discuss the character’s strengths and struggles and ask them questions about what their brain might need to feel comfortable. To encourage self-reflection, you can ask your child, “What do you think your brain is good at?” and “What is something that feels hard for your brain?” It is also helpful to share your own brain strengths and challenges. For example, “Oh yes my brain is great at remembering maps and directions, but has such a hard time remembering to turn the lights off when we’re leaving. That’s why I have that note by the door; it helps my brain remember.”

After a diagnosis 

One natural opportunity to build on your child’s concept of neurodiversity is after they receive a diagnosis (such as ASD, dyslexia, etc). It can feel empowering for kids to learn about their unique abilities, challenges, and strengths. By providing clear and honest age-appropriate information about the diagnosis, parents can help alleviate fear or confusion. This conversation can expand and evolve as your child gets older.

For example, you might say, "Remember when we went to the psychologist and you did all the brain teasers with her? She found out that you have ADHD, which means that your brain notices a lot of things at the same time. Think of it like a supercharged engine! Now that we know that you have ADHD, we can figure out what's tricky and what's easier for you. I’ve noticed that your ADHD helps you have so many creative ideas with your writing, but makes it hard to go to sleep at night. I can help with that.” 

When they ask, "What's wrong with me?"

When children share that they are concerned about being different, it is a signal that they are feeling out of sync with their peers. This interaction is an ideal moment to step in with compassion and clarity. They want to understand themselves and feel a sense of belonging, and they are turning to you for help with this. By explaining how their brains work, you can reassure them that there is nothing wrong with them and that their brain works differently. This conversation can support a positive self-view.

You could say, "There's nothing wrong with you. Your brain works in its own way. You are amazing at remembering dance moves, but focusing on math can be tough. Many people with dyscalculia feel that way. That is okay! Everyone's brain is different, and that is what makes us all special."

Before starting an IEP, new supports at school, or therapy

Children sometimes perceive these changes as a signal that there is something wrong with them that needs fixing and they worry that their friends will notice. It can be helpful to explain that these supports are designed to help them thrive rather than to change who they are. This approach can foster trust and openness in your relationship. 

For instance, "You're going to be working with a therapist who really understands how your brain works. He knows a lot about autism and wants to help you feel more comfortable and supported. Lots of kids and adults work with therapists. It’s one way people take care of themselves. You might feel curious, nervous, or unsure about it, and that is okay. I can answer any questions you have.”

When they are masking or are having challenges with their self-esteem

Kids sometimes mask and try to fit in by hiding their true selves. They can become so compliant and perfectionistic that they overlook their own needs, only to come home exhausted from school. In moments like these, it's important to affirm their neurodivergence.

You could say something like, "You are wonderful just as you are. You don't need to act any differently to make people love or like you. It’s okay if that feels hard to believe sometimes or if you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself. Lots of people feel that way, but you deserve to be accepted for being you."

Simple Scripts

Here are some friendly and encouraging scripts that you can follow based on your child's age.

Younger Kids (Ages 4-8):

"Your brain loves to move around. It helps you learn better when your body is wiggling around."

"Some people are like bicycles, and some are like race cars. Your brain is definitely a race car!"

Tweens (Ages 9-12):

"You are autistic, which helps your brain focus and pick up on details that others might miss. It can be frustrating when people aren't interested in what you want to talk about. It is okay because you love to learn."

"You have ADHD, which means your thoughts zoom around really fast. It can be hard to slow down and focus. You have a superpower."

Teens (13-19):

"Being neurodivergent means that your brain works in its own special way. There's nothing wrong with it at all! Let's figure out how it works so we can take care of it together."

"You don't have to change who you are. Let's find what helps you feel comfortable and what feels like you."