COLLABORATIVE PROBLEM SOLVING: HELPING PARENTS MANAGE CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS

by: Alexa Algios, PsyD

It is approaching bedtime and your child is playing video games online with their friends. You tell your child that it is time to put the games away and start getting ready for bed. They immediately start screaming and yelling, protesting that they are not tired yet. Now, what do you do? Do you punish them? Do you start lecturing about the benefits of a good night’s sleep?

When deciding how to address these situations, particularly ones where your child becomes dysregulated, it is helpful to think about how our brains process information. Our brains are organized from the bottom up, with the bottom parts of our brain responsible for regulatory functions (e.g., heart rate, temperature) and the top parts of our brain responsible for more complex functions (e.g., abstract thought, rational thinking). Information from the outside world first enters the lower parts of our brain and then we either respond directly (e.g., fight or flight impulses), or send the information to higher parts of our brain where problem-solving and critical thinking can occur. When a child becomes dysregulated, the lower parts of their brain take charge and they are not able to think rationally and problem solve effectively. Therefore, instead of working from the top-down and trying to reason with children when they get upset, it is more effective to take a bottom-up approach by first regulating the child, engaging relationally, and then finally reasoning with them. Without the first two steps, reasoning is not likely to be an effective approach.

This sequence of engaging is necessary for Collaborative Problem Solving, which is an approach used to reduce challenging behaviors, teach skills, and build positive relationships between parents/caregivers and their children. This approach is based on the premise that “children do well if they can,” which suggests that children who demonstrate challenging behaviors are likely lacking skills, particularly in the areas of flexibility, problem solving, and frustration tolerance. Therefore, when children become dysregulated, this is sign that they do not have the skills needed to handle the demands of a particular situation (e.g., feelings of frustration related to completing their homework or ending a preferred activity). Based on this approach, there are three ways that a parent/caregiver can respond when confronted with these situations. They can impose their request upon the child (which may be necessary in situations that involve safety concerns), they may choose to withdraw their expectation for the time being (this may be done in an attempt to quickly reduce the challenging behavior), or they can solve the problem collaboratively with the child. Solving the problem collaboratively is where children learn the skills that they are lacking so that they can better handle these situations independently in the future.

The steps of this method include:

Empathize:

This first step requires reflective listening and validating the child’s feelings. You want to empathize with the child and clarify what their concerns are in order to help regulate them. Be curious about their perspective and encourage them to share what is going on for them (e.g., the child may share that they do not want to stop playing their game because they are winning, or maybe they are feeling concerned about being left out).

Share:

This step is focused on the relationship between the you and your child. You can bring up your concerns and ask the child to engage in shared empathy for one another’s concerns. For example, you may share how the child’s behavior is affecting you, your child, and/or others (e.g., explaining to the child that you are concerned about them getting enough sleep because you don’t want them to be tired in the morning).

Collaborate:

Once the child is more regulated and everyone’s concerns are clear, you can then move to the reasoning phase where you can engage the child in rational thinking. At this point you and your child can begin to brainstorm possible solutions to the problem that address everyone’s concerns and come to an agreement about how to proceed. You should give your child an opportunity to think of some solutions before you provide some for them. You and your child can talk through each solution to make sure that it addresses both you and your child’s concerns (e.g., having your child set up a time to play video games with their friends another day).

Engaging in this process once with your child will likely not bring about much change. Repetition is required in order for change to occur and for your child to build the necessary skills to manage these situations on their own. When first using this approach, more time will be dedicated to the first two steps. However, once your child is better able to regulate and they feel more connected to you, the process can shift to the collaborating phase more quickly over time.

References:

Perry, B. D., & Ablon, J. S. (2019). CPS as a neurodevelopmentally sensitive and trauma-informed approach. In A. R. Pollastri et al., (Eds.), Collaborative Problem Solving (pp. 15-31). Springer.

Pollastri, A. R., Epstein, L. D., Heath, G. H., & Ablon, J. S. (2013). The collaborative problem solving approach: Outcomes across settings. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 21(4), 188-199.